Epiphany

She’d finally realized something. She’d finally come to the conclusion. The cause of it all. The cause of her destruction.

She used to burn like a fire. Now it was all ashes, and to rekindle it was impossible. She had let it happen to her. She had let the depression come to her. She was the cause of it all.

She was the one who had stopped burning. She still remembered those days, when she still felt the strength in her soul. The desire, the fierce competitive nature and the arrogance. Her various successes, her ambition, her will, her.

Now it was nothing. Not an ember remained. There was someone who once told her that she wasn’t an Aries, and that was because she didn’t have the fire. She stopped for a moment then, and after about several months came unto this moment of epic truth.

It was her fault. She could have stopped it. But she didn’t. One little slip up had led to her downfall. Superficially, things were alright after that, but deep inside, she knew that she was in too deep to get out.

But, being the stupid bitch she was, she still dreamed. She was a dreamer who was born into the Court of Nightmares.

Save Me || I’m Fine

She was too proud to ask for help. Especially when she knew she needed all the help she could get.

It had been more than two years. More than two years since she’d started to feel nothing. What she was before, was nothing more than a dream. That part of her felt unreal.

She wanted someone, anyone to notice that she felt nothing anymore. That she wanted help even when everyone thought she had nothing to worry about. Because you are a topper. What can a topper have to worry about?

Maybe she was faking it. It made her a complete fucking bitch, but who knew? Even if she was faking it, she needed help. Because of that.

She recognized other broken souls around her, in her class itself. It made her hypocritical to not help them but ask for help instead. But she didn’t care anymore.

Her sister was broken herself to try to pick up the remains of her heart, her mind and try to piece them together. Not helping her sister made her feel like shit too.

But she knew she was shit, so who cares?

She drowned in self-hate everyday. She wanted to die everyday. But there were hopes of a good future. There was that. And she believed in soulmates, she believed in someone who would help her, be it a guy or a girl.

But she was losing hope. Who would fall in love with her? Her sister said she was very easy to fall in love with. But that was her sister. Will her soulmate even want to love someone so broken like her? Who would want to deal with that mess.

But that was too much dependency. Okay, fine. She was a coward and she did need someone to save her. But she would never accept it. She would keep dropping subtle hints, but she wouldn’t reveal her story when someone asks, even if that someone means good. She was like that, sometimes, she didn’t even know herself.

But that was okay as long as she still dreamed. Once she would stop dreaming, she’d know that she was completely and irrevocably broken. Crushed to pieces.